At this rate, prescriptions for heartburn meds for Sox fans in September should be lower than last year.  The inability of these players to hit the ball has finally reached historic proportions.  These are truly the hitless wonders.  No one is making solid contact.  If I had a "Kosher with" for every time our lineup dives across the plate for strike three, I’d have to buy an extra seat to fit my exploding backside.

This team needs to get back to basics.  Not major league basics like hitting behind runners, laying down a bunt, etc.  That’s too advanced for us right now. I’m talking little league basics: swing at strikes, keep your eye on the ball, and the like.  Let’s see how that works. 

These guys ought to be embarrassed right now. I know I am.

Everything must go! Make an offer! 

Our bullie is in shambles, Pale Hosers. Sad but true.  The Maestro made the desperation-move this morning by sending down AAA-rdsma and McDoodie to Charlotte.  Bukvich and Prinz caught some flights to ORD, but my suspicion is that their jersey nameplates will be attached with Velcro. These guys, unless I’m terribly wrong–and I could be–are not the answer.

So, that means we’ve got to see what’s available.  Who are the untouchables? Well, right now, with no one hitting their weight, it’s a short list.  Removing sentimentality, there may only be two: A.J. and Thome.

Beyond that, I’d hang onto Paulie, Garland, Contreras, Jenks, Vazquez, Danks and Masset–one part for sentimentality (Konerko and Contreras) and the two parts because they are the "intangibles" core of the future of the organization.  I’d like to add Buehrls to the list, but I think his free agent price tag–moreso the years than the salary he’ll request–will be too dear.

The problem is that the rest of the lineup, ‘pen, and bench are at career lows, so they won’t fetch much.  What is Crede worth right now with an open lane the size of the Eisenhower in his swing? He can’t hit anything on the outside of the plate, as shown this weekend.  Iguchi? Dye? Snuggling up with the Mendoza right now in terms of AVG. We’d get taken to the cleaners in any deal. I don’t envy the Maestro at all because something needs to be done.

Prove me wrong. Please. And let’s win some games!

Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?

Apologies to the Honorable Bluto Blutarsky, but we are not on a roll here.  Another dreadful game last night compounded by what appears to be a serious injury to Erstad.  Who will get the call up to the Show? The slick-fielding, but hitting-challenged Brian Anderson? The over-matched Ryan Sweeney? Or maybe Jerry Owens–who apparently was pulled in the 7th inning from the Knights game?  Seems like its probably Owens, as he’s projected as a "leadoff" hitter.  Of course, it remains to be seen if he can get on base at this level. By all reports, he’s not a great hitter, kind of a slapper; not a great fielder; average to below-average arm, to boot.  But, he’s fast–and, honestly, that just may be enough.  See, e.g., Pods in 2005: getting on base and making pitchers make mistakes.

There were two items of mixed good/bad news.  First, Buehrle was dominant. He made two mistakes that landed in the cheap seats, but really pitched extremely well.  It’s a great sign because if he pitches like that, we can get back in this thing.  A bad sign because these outings will make the ‘crafty’ southpaw prohibitively expensive.  And second, the greatest hitter in franchise history hit his 495th homer last night.  There’s a part of me that hopes he launches five more in the next three games–just for the trivia question that could be written…

Getting blown out by the D-Rays.  Then swept by the Twinkies.  Outscored 26-12.  Giving up a 5-run lead.  Bullpen in tatters.  Starters giving up soft runs.  Defense giving dangerous teams extra outs.  Getting robbed of homers by good D.  Walking in the sweeping-run in the Bottom of the 9th.  No hitting.  No speed. I can’t decide what fragment from this week I hate the most.  Let’s call it a thousand-way tie.

There’s something rotten in Sox-dom.  This is the type of situation where you can feel the tremors of an over-reaction.  Not just amongst the fans in the crowd, but in the organization, too.  Then again, maybe an over-reaction is exactly what we need.  Let’s just hope that the Blue Jays don’t right their ship against us, too. 

It’s tough to tell what this team needs right now. I just hope they have a better handle on it than I do.  This is the weakest part of our schedule, and it’s way past time to start winning consistently.

Here’s to hoping our bats have awoken from their hibernation.  18 runs over the past two games is a good harbinger of what’s to come.  Dye’s starting to get that look in his eye that the opposition stands no chance. He’s hitting the ball hard and playing with intensity–even getting himself tossed for the first time in a Pale Hose uni.  That’s exactly what we need from the MVP.  Thome’s back on the scorecard and Paulie was hustling around the bases to score 3 runs in last night’s game.  The writing’s on the wall: Here comes the run we’ve been waiting for.

Jose struck out a season high and the Moneyballers tooks some ugly hacks for Strike Threes.  The beleaguered bully made it a closer game than it was; but all’s well that ends well.  We shouldn’t be surprised to see some deck-shuffling in the ‘pen if this continues. 

The South Siders gave one away yesterday afternoon.  Buehrle’s strong outing was annihilated by defensive breakdowns and a Gas-Can performance by MacD.  The salt in the wound is our struggling third-baseman taking a grounder in the grill. 

If the Sox are going to make a play for the Division, two things need to happen: (1) the offense needs to get moving–this is ridiculous–and (2) we need to play "smartball"–remember that one?  These defensive lapses cost teams Divisions.  Why have the Twins won so many divisions with lesser talent? Because they don’t beat themselves.  In a Division in which the winner will likely take the beer shower on the final weekend, we can’t be giving away ball games to bad baseball teams. 

Toby Hall had a schizoprenic outing.  While he looked strong at the dish, there were passed balls, booted catch from the outfield, and a general lack of knowledge of the pitchers.  Certainly, MacD bounced a couple curves, but Hall has to call a better game. If the pitcher can’t get a pitch over, at some point, the catcher has to not put that finger down.  Ozuna fared no better at the hot corner.  Between those two guys, Soriano’s comedy of errors in Left was  upstaged.

It’s just one game, of course, so no reason to panic.  Let’s take the next two and get back to games in the AL.

The Bronxees make their way to 35th and Shields to open a trio with the Pale Hose tonight.  After our "B" team got drubbed by the mighty Royals on Mother’s Day, it’ll be good to see the first pitch tonight.  The Sox sit only a few games back and no one–literally, not a single regular–is hitting.  The fact that we are still in this thing is a testament to the outstanding pitching we’ve had for the last couple of weeks (aside from Sunday, of course).  Surely, our bats will get better, but, on the other hand, it’s also likely that the arms will cool off a bit, too.  Let’s just hope that the arms don’t cool off facing this Yank lineup or it could get ugly.

The Good Guys wrap up their 8 game/10 day road trip this afternoon in the Humpdome against the Piranhas.  This is the type of trip where us fans are just hoping to tread water–which we’ve done.  Losing two to the Mariners is a tough swallow, but to be able to steal a series against Scioscia in Anaheim and (hopefully) take 2 of 3 against the Twinkies bodes well.  It’s a long haul, of course, but losing on Tuesday in extras after Javy was dealing was exactly the type of thing that causes heartburn.

There’s no sense in waiting for the return of Thome and Pods before we kick it into gear.  We’ve got KC on deck, a limping Yankee squad in the hole, and a set with the Don’t-Believe-the-Hype sCrUBbies where we can bank some victories for September.  These teams are vulnerable; and the boys need to come out hacking.  The bats look to be warming up and our starters have been impressive over their last couple trips through the rotation.

Put me in the "Sweeney should be starting in LF" camp.  While he’s out-matched at the plate from time-to-time, his D justifies a starting role–for now at least.  Platoon Mack and Pablo as DH ’til Thome returns and make sure Sweeney’s a reg (splitting time with Mack) until Pods can come back at 100%.  Sweeney’s got the tools, for sure, and his head appears to be in the right place. That’s all you can expect out of the ninth guy.

History was made last night at the ballpark near Bridgeport.  The Pale Hose ace added another line to his curriculum vitae: a no-hitter facing the minimum 27.  And what a resume it is for a guy who has started and earned a save in the Fall Classic, made Opening Day starts year-after-year, started and appeared as an All Star, and now, a no-no.

While the media churn in their thoughtless stew of talking about free agency, real Sox fans know that the business of baseball has no place in the columns today. What happened last night was historic. It’s why we rush home from work on a nameless Wednesday night. It’s why every time you walk into the stadium and the national anthem ends, anything is possible. It’s why they keep the grass so green, because you never know when history will happen.

And it couldn’t have happened to a better guy: the fun-loving southpaw who continues to catch the ceremonial first pitch and slide on the tarp during rain delays.  There is no better ambassor in the game today.  Buehrle, for many fans (including this one), is the ideal symbol of what baseball ought to be. He shows up every fifth day and competes. He never tolerates his inner-diva.  He is the ultimate success story: from the 38th round draft pick to a major league no-hitter. He smiles like he’s 10 years old and just tossed a no-hitter in his mind against the wall of the schoolyard.

So, on a cold night for baseball, Mark Buehrle adds his name to the books again.  And more importantly, Buehrls probably kick-starts a team that needed to get moving.  Nothing pulls a defense together like supporting a no-hitter, I would think. And to see the entire team work as one with some amazing defense, critical offense, and get to mob on the field in the third week of April portends nothing but good things.

I’m just going to pretend Opening Day didn’t happen.  Even though I showed up, the Sox decided to take the day off.

The rest of the week looks bleak, weather-wise. It’ll be baseball in Bear weather.  And, the familiar game plan will apply: run it up the middle and play defense.  In baseball lingo, that translates to putting fastballs on the hands all week and playing solid D.  Luckily, we’ve got a guy on the mound today who, when he’s at his best, is the perfect conduit for that strategy.  Gar is most successful when he owns the inside of the zone and hitters feebly scratch ground balls on a steady diet of sinkers. 

This is our house. Let’s jam ‘em on their hands in the cold and win this important homestand against the Tribe and Humpdomers.